Rough and Tumble Version

If you know me at all, you may know that I am not really one to do what other people tell me to do. I guess I'm just too stubborn, or maybe I just always think that if it is meant to happen, that I will do it without being pressed. But alas, when pressed to write a blog post about a friend tonight, I really never thought of saying no.

There are plenty of cheesy quotes about friends and how they will always be with you, or that they are the siblings you could never have, and as much as my opinions waver about them, at the end of the day, if you are lucky enough to have a true friend (or two) you completely agree with every one of those quotes... no matter how cheesy they may be.

Which brings me to one of my incredibly amazing friends. All of the quotes and idioms ever made about best friends or close friends, or even about sisters applies to this girl. She is the little sister I never had, and always wanted (Although most of the time she is far wiser than I... maybe more like a twin sister... we both have our moments). The thing about Abigail is that everyone who meets her can't help but be drawn in my her warm and welcoming personality. She is always quick to help in any circumstance, and is often noted for her "motherly" affection. Honestly, if she wasn't my age, I would really hope she would be a family friend or something, because she would make one kick ass aunt. I mean, don't get me wrong, having her as a friend is much better.
I'm sure she wouldn't have half as many wonderful things to say about me (especially with what I have put her through in the past month or two), but even after all of that, she is still the one that I text when something weird or funny happens to me, whenever I have boy drama, a meltdown, a life realization, an existential crisis, or anything along those lines, she is the one I talk to.
You know those people who you say "I would take a bullet for you"  to, but at the same time, you are thinking "like in the foot, or maybe a dart... out of a Nerf gun" WELL Abigail is one of those people that I would actually take a real life metal bullet, flying however fast bullets fly in an important part of my body. I love her just that much.
She is one person who encourages me to be better, and tells me flat out when I am being less than what I can be. She is everything that a person should try to be. Caring, beautiful, hilarious, with a heart that somehow always has room for more.
So naturally, when she asked me to write a little something about her, I threw away my usual stubbornness and agreed almost instantaneously (because everyone deserves to know how incredible she is... and so does she). So, here you go Abigail. I haven't revised it or anything. It's the rough and tumble version, just how you wanted it. I could go on for longer about how amazing Abigail is, but this is turning into quite the novel.

Peace.

Clear your mind

On clear nights I can hear the train roll into town. I can not only hear the whistle blow, but the wheels on the track making a solid rhythm.

On nights like this, the cool crisp air blows into my room and helps me clear my mind-something I have been needing to do for quite some time. It coaxes me to a quiet place inside myself where I can just "be". 

I think this is why I stay up so late sometimes. I wait for the soft night breeze to take me somewhere that is hard to find during the confusion of each day. Somewhere that I can look at myself for who I truly am, and spend a little time there. No expectations. 

I wish that everyone can find something that takes them to this place. So, I guess my advice (if you want it) is to go find somewhere where you can just be, and try to go there often. It is something I know you won't regret. 

Peace. 

Breakdown

If you were to walk into my room right now, to be honest, you may be a little bit worried. With my curtains drawn, the only light is coming from my new aromatherapy candle, its title telling me to "be amazing" and the glow from my phone, and yes, I am blogging from my phone. What you would see is not a pretty sight. A tear stained face buried into an equally tear stained pillow.

If you came across this sight, you may be taken aback. Maybe you would slowly back out of my room and pretend that you never saw. But if you are more of the hands on healing type, you may slowly step into the room and sweetly ask what was troubling me. 

After a few moments I would tell you that, as you very well know, I hate uncertainty, and lately all I have been feeling in almost every aspect of my life is uncertainty. I am not sure who I am anymore, and more importantly my future seems like it is headed in all the wrong directions. The most frustrating part though is that I am the ink one who can tell myself how to write my story. I guess I have gotten so used to most of my life choices being made for me, and now that I am on my own, I can't trust myself.

College. Something that should bring excitement and hope for the future has lately just been bringing me more trouble and worrying than I can handle. Engineering is what I picked (environmental to be exact) and, after registering for classes, it is about the last thing that I want to be doing. The concept of having to take calculus classes for four years makes me want to stay curled up in my bed smelling my aromatherapy candle forever. (Hopefully someone would be kind enough to join me) but I do confess that would probably not pay off in the long run. 

So here is my dilemma. If I can't be cuddling in my bed for the rest if my life, what will I do? Honestly I don't know. My interests are so spread from music, art, religion, to science that I don't even know where to start, so I am feeling more lost than ever, and I hate it more than anything. 

So, because I have no idea what to do with my life, plus the fact that I have already registered for classes, I will be starting every morning this fall with my calculus class. Joy. At least it is only one semester...

Thanks for listening and stuff.

                           Peace. 

Overnight Blogging

Swing sets and slides mixed with jumping on beds and laughing with watermelon stained faces make for kids who come into the kitchen before bedtime and tell me "Chelle, it's bedtime now." Not that I'm complaining in the least, but I do not know how parents do it 24/7. Seriously, I finally understand those horrible children leashes. Three children are slightly terrifying to keep track of, quite tiring, and I did not have a 9 o'clock bedtime.

I guess I can't possibly be as tired as I suspected though, because it's 5 o'clock in the morning and sleep still doesn't seem like a possibility. The birds seemed to get plenty of sleep, and now that they are awake, at least I have some company. But the sky is starting to get lighter, and I just stepped out onto the roof. Pretty soon I will be a pro at removing the window, and no noise will be required.

This is what summer is supposed to feel like. Free and simple. If only the past two mornings could be combined, this would be the perfect morning. Add this to the list of reasons I love summer.

Peace.

I want s'more camping

Blogging at 2:00 in the morning. This has got to be a new record for me. Not that I have never been up this late (or early), and with the combination of the heat and thrown off sleeping schedule, I shouldn't really be expecting to be asleep at this hour anyways. Now, I am no stranger to heat, but when the top floor of your house resembles a sauna more than bedrooms, and the at least 70 year old house suddenly feels like it has heated floors (a convenience invented far beyond it's construction) you know it's a little toasty.

But staying up this late, finally being able to feel the cool breezes coming from somewhere in the north (kudos to the weatherman who told me that a cold front swept across the metro at about 10:00 tonight), I am thinking about just how much I wish I was still camping. (Hint: It's a lot)

Yes, I have finally gone real camping, or I guess as real as I can get (it's not backyard camping). I am pleased to report that I know how to pitch a tent and make a fire and all of those other nature-y sorts of things. Yes, I "roughed it" last night. It was awesome.

I keep trying to put into words how great it was pitching a tent, making a fire, watching the sun set, roasting s'mores and falling asleep under a multitude of stars, among other things, but I just can't. 

You will just have to trust me on this one, and of course go camping yourself ASAP! This is not a drill or a joke, do it. Please, it's good for the soul.

Peace.

Singing and things

Last night was my final night on the Duchesne stage. Not for a production or anything rehearsed for countless days and finally performed. It was impromptu so to speak, taking only two days to practice, I would say it still went pretty well.

After plenty hours of wondering what would be the last song I would sing on that wonderful stage I have spent the bulk of my time on, I decided on "Over the Rainbow", you know from The Wizard of Oz. Something uplifting and  Well I was all ready, but of course, while rehearsing during the last period of the day, I decided to sing some more (incredibly characteristic of me) and apparently, before I was even finished, the original song had been scratched from the list, and "I Dreamed a Dream" (from Les Mis) was scribbled in its place.

I don't know if it fits my present circumstances, I don't feel like life has killed the dream I dreamed, I mean sure, I my aspirations are much different than when I started high school, but I don't think that that's a bad thing. 

Of course I will miss this place and people, and with the bridge of Keep Holding On, I will admit that I shed a couple of tears. Sentimentality I guess. I will still have the people that really matter to me close by, and I am sure that everything will be fine.

So, surrounded by the comforting smell of Rave hairspray, I walked onto that beautiful stage for the last time. I tried to leave it all on the stage. I will miss it, but I know it is in good hands.

Peace.

May Day and angsty things

May Day, more like MAYDAY!

Here's the thing with me right now, if you really want to know.

I always used to think of my relationships like sticks or boards. Something sturdy yet bendable, and able to withstand time and testing. They were always the foundation of everything I was, and really kept everything together. 

Lately, I have been feeling that those beams of my relationships have been serving a different purpose. They aren't keeping me attached, rather distanced from those that I care about. I know that this is probably just a mood. Everything is changing, and I can't control that. It's scary. I'm sure it will be gone within a week, but with the coming of college and things, I am legitimately worried. 

Maybe this is something I should be putting somewhere else, I don't really know. But the truth is, that those boards, no matter how sturdy they are, have broken before. With time, (if we're keeping with the wood image) I have sanded them down and (like my newly acquired skill) I have stained them and made them easier to look back at. 

But it's fine, ups and down are to be expected. I can handle it, not that I am helping this situation anyways. Gahhhh, I could totally probably solve this for myself, I just asdfhasjkl so many things. Okay yeah I'm done now.

P.S. I stained a chair while under house arrest (enacted by my parents, not the law) this weekend!

Peace.

College... Blahh

UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

If you haven't figured out that I am a drama queen by now, I guess you will never understand. However, if you do know me, you will also know that I have to be the WORST decision maker ever!

So as the calendar days get slowly scratched off, they remind me that I have a decision to make. So naturally I am doing another thing that I am great at. Ignoring it. 

I really need to stop doing all of these things. I need to face the facts and see that, no matter how much I don't want to, I will be heading off to college next September. As much as I would like to pack up all of my things, invest the money allotted for my education in an automobile, and just take off, I can't. 

Well, I would desperately need a traveling buddy too. This past weekend has been FAR too quiet for me, and I think that I am starting to go crazy in side my own head.

I think I sometimes forget about all of the places that I can go to write down my thoughts. I have here, secret blog, and journal. But I guess the things that I really need to get out of my head, I don't really want to be somewhere forever, permanent. I guess I could write in pencil...

See, too many thoughts, I have gotten off track! (aren't we all surprised!) 

Anyways... college. Sometimes I love the thought of it, other times, I absolutely loathe it. I need to come to terms with reality, and realize that this is happening no matter what. I will be graduating from my home away from home in less than a month (I didn't feel like doing the math) and that alone is causing me enough emotional turmoil. Put on top of that all of my other problems (adding to the drama that I certainly do NOT need)

I just want to be done. Give me that scholarship money for a car, and let me drive far away. I will come back eventually, when all that cash has run out and I think all of my problems have dissolved, I can guarantee that. I could also guarantee that I will have much more knowledge about myself and the world when I get back, and I know that I will have had one hell of a time doing it.

Decisions decisions...

Peace.

I opened my windows: A haiku

whispering breezes

awakening memories

springtime molodies

I don't know what to do

There are only so many times I can take my own advice. Now I just don't know what to do. It would be very convenient if I could see all of the outcomes of all the different situations. My brain usually does this for me, but I think that I am too exhausted to try that hard. I thought that I was done crying

I guess not.

Peace.

Worth it.

Sitting here with my family watching Lord of the Rings, I realize that this will be my life for the next ten (at least) days. I know that this is not worth complaining about, so I won't. I never see my family anymore, and it is nice staying at home with them, talking and laughing just like back when I had no choice but to stay home. I miss my sister. I have only been grounded one other time. I can't remember the circumstances, but this time, I will remember, and it is so worth it.

There are few times when you feel like you are alone in the world, and not in a bad way. Well I guess not completely alone, but maybe that where you are and who you're with is the only thing that is happening. Not even in a bad way, just that nothing else really matters to you, and that's okay I think. 

I love National Wildlife refuges. 

Peace.

Today

Call it what you will, mother's intuition maybe, but sometimes, moms know exactly what you need. 

Waking up, I knew it was going to be a rough day. I went downstairs and my mom looked at me and said, "You know, it wouldn't hurt anything if you didn't go to school today." I thought that I was going to cry of relief. Well, I did, but not until I got into my room and back into my bed. I don't know where this came from, my mom never, and I mean NEVER lets me stay home from school, unless I am severely sick. I mean yes, last night I did think that I was going to die, and she was well aware of the fact. I guess I must not have looked much better this morning dreading the emotional turmoil that I was certain would be at school, knowing that if I went to school on four hours of sleep, nothing could have gone right. Today was a much needed (and appreciated) mental health day. 

In my pillow fort that I have constructed on my stairs, I have finished my to do list for ring ceremony, decreasing my level of stress more than I thought it would. I have gotten my tea fix, taken a much needed relaxing bath and devoured many more Oreos than I am willing to admit to. Sometimes moms know exactly what you need.

Yes, I know that my problems will still be there tomorrow, but sometimes I just need a little extra sleep and relaxing time to be able to handle what is in front of me. 

Peace.

P.S. Happy Birthday to Emma Watson! (No wonder this day didn't suck... It could never with someone as amazing as her born on this day!)

If I said what I was really thinking...

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Liar.
But I don't really know if I care, well maybe I do.

Yeah, that's all.

Peace.

Ahhh April

The snow swept days are (hopefully) over. Replaced by sunny afternoons and sun-kissed noses, I am incredibly ready for spring.

No, I did not participate in the traditional fooling shenanigans of the first day of April, but the subsequent days have been filled with great things. Among them, attempting to fly a kite at Memorial by running fast enough to make our own wind, strike, chilling underneath pine trees, and wearing far too much denim in one outfit.

Many things have come across my mind during those times. 

Some are not as important as others, but one I can't seem to stop thinking about. The fact that some people, no matter how amazing they are, just can't appreciate themselves for who they are.

It is so frustrating for me to see someone who I love constantly bash themselves. I am torn between aggressively telling them just how amazing they are, or not saying anything at all because it doesn't seem like their opinion will ever change, no matter what I say. So I just settle for agreeing that, yes, that person is beautiful, but that I would never wish for them to replace you. I don't know if you will ever read this, but if you do...

I love you. Plain and simple. It makes me so sad when you cannot see just how amazing you are. You are so beautiful in your own way. Maybe you don't have mile long legs like that model, but yours are strong. You are NOT fat. I know that it is hard to see yourself as beautiful, but I need you to trust me (like you do in all other matters) when I say that you are one of the most beautiful people that I know. No, I'm not just saying it, because I could just keep my mouth shut. I'm not expecting you to believe me today, but all I ask is that you cherish the body that you have. I'm sorry to inform you, but it is most likely the only one you will ever have. It is heartbreaking when you cannot see that what you have right in front of you is perfect. You are perfect. I'm sorry if sometimes I seem insensitive  but I just wish that you could see that what you have to work with is fantastic. Yes, you may not look like Brittany Snow, but that's because there is only one of her, just like there is only one of you. I would never wish you to look or be anyone different. I wouldn't be the same if I didn't know you. I cherish you, and I hope one day you can feel the same way about yourself.

Peace.

ALL GONE!!

INSANELY LARGE FREAK OUT ON THIS PAGE THAT INVOLVES MUCH FLAILING AND SCREAMING NOISES!! 

Well ladies and gentleman, I finally did it. All of my hair is gone. I mean not ALL of it, but a pretty good portion of it. Thirteen and a half inches to be exact. Well that is how much ended up in the ponytail, add a bunch of extra for styling and whatnot.

I have never been more happy. I feel very free and a little bit reckless (even though I have been looking forward to it for a VERY long time) I'm sure that in a couple of weeks I will wake up and hate it with a burning passion because I just want the comfort of a braid or high ponytail or bun, but alas I have made my bed, so now I must sleep in it. But if I do say so myself, the bed is very nice and I am not hating the thought of sleeping in it.

Goodnight!

Peace.

Making Magic

The theater is magic...

I don't know when I started to comprehend this phrase, but here is what I know it to be now. It isn't just the magic of putting on a show for the people we love, that is part of it, but it is so much more. It is the ability of the biggest rag-tag bunch of people to come together and make something special. Something that will never be the same, and in the process, becoming different themselves. Through all of the grueling practices and late nights and tired mornings, we all come together and become a completely insane family. There really are no words to describe just how much I absolutely love everyone, and even if I tried, I know that it wouldn't be enough. Everyone has their place in this dysfunctional family, and it wouldn't be the same without everyone. I would take the time to talk about everyone individually, but then this post would be about 5 pages long, so if you are reading this, and you know who you are, I love you to the end of the world, and then after.

...

I can't believe it's over...

I think I am still expecting to come back next year and try out for whatever TBecks decides to attempt (and ultimately pull off). It comes so much faster than I can even tell you. It was always sad to see the seniors go, but I guess I never really thought that it would be me someday. I always looked at them as so much older and more experienced, ready to go do their own thing, and as I am there in some aspects of my life, I can say with absolute certainty that DASH theater is not one of them. I am so afraid of going somewhere completely different and nobody ever getting me like you guys do. 

Thinking about how fast this all rushed past me makes me think about how fleeting everything is. No matter what, you can't hold onto it forever. You just have to make the most of the time you have. Now for a few notes to my fellow theater people.

To the sophomores: take nothing for granted, the end will come so much faster than you are anticipating. I cannot stress just how important it is that you cherish every second. I love you guys.

To the juniors who don't think that you can do it. You can. I know that it is terrifying to be the one that everyone looks to, but believe me when I say that you guys are so ready. You are all so incredibly talented, it baffles me sometimes. I cannot wait to see the amazing things you do next year. I am so proud of all of you.

To my seniors: I have had one hell of a ride with you. We have seen each other grow from the awkward freshman to the badass bitches we are today. Thank you for putting up with my extremely... well I don't really even know how to explain myself, but regardless. I have LOVED every minute of our time together both on and off the stage. I will remember you forever.

...Blessed are those who make that magic!

Peace.

Good Clouds

While walking home today, I saw some of the best clouds EVER! They were the typical fluffy cartoon style clouds, but in REAL LIFE. They were hovering over the downtown buildings, and I sincerely hope that someone in the tall towers felt like they were superman/woman flying through the incredible Cumulus clouds.

I couldn't help but let out an "Oh my god" accompanied with a small scream, because, when something is that beautiful, I told my walking companion, you just have to scream. She disagreed, but I think that even if it is not an external scream, it should at least be internal. I mean, when something is that amazing, doesn't it deserve a little recognition? 

Anyways, it was definitely one of those moments when I remembered what was really important. The stress taking accumulating in my back and shoulders was alleviated for mere seconds, but it was enough to remind me that everything is going to be okay. I'm sure that the nap I just took sure didn't hurt either.

This weekend is Godspell and Relay for Life... Everything will be okay... I just have to keep reminding myself that.

Peace.

SURPRISE!

No, not for me. I still have yet to experience the extreme surprise of close friends popping out of hiding places to simultaneously scare the shit out of me and reduce me to probable tears, but this was just as great. The night was complete with a strobe light and dancing and semi-permanent tattoos. (Changing for gym sure will be interesting!) But the best part of it all had to have been Abigail's face when she walked through the door, and then later when, in the middle of watching a twister game, Noah came out with her banjo. We were all incredibly surprised by the lack of tears, but apparently she cried for two hours when she got home (out of happiness of course). 

Maybe it was the fact that I decided to go three hours before, or just that the assortment of people there made for a pretty interesting time, but last night was a complete blast. I can only remember a couple of other times when I have come home this happy and this exhausted at the same time. I woke up this morning and my back was sore, but it was completely and undoubtedly worth it. All I know is that if I were to do it over again... I wouldn't have attempted to take a 10 minute nap, but I guess it makes for a pretty funny memory.

Peace.

My life I guess

Here is my life at the moment...

School Kind of sucks, not that I didn't already know that, but I am just so beyond done with all of my classes, and I don't know why my teachers are even attempting to teach me anything.

But as much as school sucks, the theater, which has always been my place to escape from everything that I don't want to deal with, sucks even more. 

It's really quite sad when one of your safe places becomes something that you dread going to anymore. A rant will follow now, so if you don't feel like reading it, feel free to skip. I don't know why, but this year, it just seems that everyone has stopped trying in the drama department. Nothing is the same, and it makes me really sad. It just seems like virtually nobody cares, and when it feels like you are pulling so hard for something to work, and everyone is just sitting around enjoying the ride, it's really not fun at all. Also we perform in a week... I hate everything.

NEXT

Ed Sheeran (a.k.a one of my favorite people in the universe) is in town, and I cannot see him. This alone deserves a post of its own. Long story short, I am sad about this, but am also hopeful that I will see him someday when he does not have the flu.

I read the entire A Fault in our Stars last night. That was a roller coaster of emotion that, sadly to report, does not only go up.

Of course, this is not everything, but I think it's enough sharing time for now, I don't want to bore you all to tears.

Peace.

Dream

I think that I have dreams every night, but I also think that I only remember the ones that matter. They usually involve people that I know or places that I have seen. Last night was different. 

I had a dream that I was on a trip for some sort of class I think. I was with people that I have never seen before, but I didn't really care that I didn't know them. We were in an old style rustic type home, probably a mansion of some sort, so of course, I decided to go exploring. On my little adventure, I opened up a window that looked like nobody had ever opened, and I saw the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. There was a field of violets and purple salvia with dogwood and empress trees scattered around the edges, and behind them was a mountain range. Not an intimidating one, but inviting. I was so entranced by it that I barely heard the man come up behind me and say "it's really quite beautiful, isn't it" of course I agreed, and he responded with "nobody else has ever tried to look out this window, and I don't know why." After he left I decided to take off my shoes and climb through the window. I think it was one of the best decisions ever made. Walking through all of the flowers and things, the colors and smells were so vivid it surprises me to remember them. I was not sad to be alone, I was just enjoying the present. However, I woke up slowly and was not worried about visiting that place again. The only thing that I could think was that I would have really enjoyed if someone was there to share the beauty with. Because, really, it was quite astounding.

P.S. after coming to terms with the fact that I was in reality and not that dream anymore, I decided to open up my curtains and greet the day. Little did I know that I would be greeted by a blizzard. I have now decided that I have not come to terms with the fact that I am not in that dream. 

Anyone care to join me?

Peace.

Windy Morning

I just saw a piece of paper fly past my window. At first this made me upset, I thought to myself, "why can't people just recycle"but then I thought of all the possibilities that that paper could be. 

It started out simple, like a lost piece of homework blown from the school a block away, but suddenly my imagination got the best of me. I wondered if perhaps that paper could have been a love note, scrawled during the early hours of the morning,before anyone was awake, and left on the kitchen counter for someone to see. Quickly grabbed in the morning rush of things, and accidentally let go in the breeze. 

Then I guess I came back to reality to realize that today is Tuesday, trash day, and that piece of paper was most likely blown out of someone's recycling. But then again, I don't really know, so I think I am just going to go with the love note. Hey, a girl can dream can't she?

Peace.

On this note, if you have not seen "Paperman" you should really look that up. Disney really has a knack for short films.

Some Title

So I like to do this thing when I look at other people's blogs. I mean, that's what they are there for, right? Well, reading all of these blogs sometimes gets me thinking. All of the things that these people write down, they think are funny, or worth talking about. They write about things they do and where they go, and people they love. 

I don't know, sometimes this makes me sad. Especially if it is someone who I know's blog. I mean it probably shouldn't, but somehow I always find me looking for my name in what they write, hoping that I have had some sort of influence on their life. I guess it's because it's nice to know that you are important to someone, and that you matter. 

Not only by just seeing your name come from their brain and put into writing, but the regular things too. The little things that people do, like stealing a glance at you when someone says something funny, or when they tell stories with important parts left out that only you could know. It's nice to have these little reminders that you matter on the not so great days. Nobody has to write a whole book about me (which could be either awesome or creepy... it all depends who it was) but sometimes it's nice to feel important.

Just a thought.

Peace

Chocolate and Other Things

See, I thought that my day was going decently, and then it wasn't, and then it was, and then I get home to fine what in my side pockets of my backpack? That's right ladies and gentleman, I found chocolate! now, I'm not entirely sure how it ended up there, but I am sincerely hoping that 1. whomever put it there is having a GREAT life right now, because they deserve it, and 2. that this is not poisoned...

It's looking like I'm not going to die, So in other news!

I have listened to my solo about 100 times tonight, so here is hoping that I will get all of the verses in the right spots the next time :P

I also hope that if I ever have kids, that I won't be that mom who says weird stuff in front of her kids. And kill me if I ever use the phrase "back in my day..." literally I want to punch everyone who says it now. 

Okay I'm going to go attempt school work (BAHAHAHAHHA)so yeah.

Peace

Revelation

Waking up this morning, the sun was trying its hardest to make me happy. Even though it is not the summer sun that I am so longing for, it made me realize something. 

I realized that I am sick of letting things that I can't control, control me. I have resolved to make the best of this snowy situation. Because when I really think about it, the sun, the thing that I may have missed most this winter, is reflecting off almost every surface outside, and trying to make the best of this situation, so why can't I? 

So, even though it isn't 72 degrees with a slight breeze, I will not let the cold get me down. There are some things in life that I just have to learn to live with, and living where I do, there is nothing I can do to control the weather. Because the fact of the matter is that whether or not I want it to snow, it will happen if it happens.

I also know that when the temperature hits 103 degrees this summer, as it most likely will, I will throw all of the blankets off of my bed and wish with a large portion of my heart that there was snow on the ground, and that I could be wearing leggings and an over-sized sweater without dying of heat stroke. 

So as for now, I will relish in the fact that I can drink just as much tea as I want while reading books in the comfort of my bed, surrounded by four blankets and five pillows. 

Yes, winter, I may have figured it out a little late, but you are not my enemy, you are just doing your thing, and I can't really hate you for that, now, can I?

Peace

What to do

Welp, as you could tell from the last post, today marked the start of Snowmageddon, and therefore a snow day was issued at approximately 8:23 last night. Now snow days are all fun and games in theory, but in reality, nowadays snow days are a whole lot of nothing. Lounging around and cursing whoever thought it was a good day to imprison you in your house with the majority of your family.

So I took it upon myself to improve my situation by doing a plethora of activities that I thought would be fun... here they are with their results

Pancake making: turned out well, but they cook much faster than I remember, and I ended up burning one of them... snow day: 1 Michelle: 0

Lounging: always an admirable past time that I seemed to have perfected in my 17 years of life snow day:1 Michelle: 1

Napping: this accidentally happens much more than what I would like, but because of movie watching last night, it was necessary... I'm just going to say I won to the snow day here, which brings our scores to... snow day: 1 Michelle: 2

Grilled Cheese Making: apparently I always want to make things on days off of school, so grilled cheese is always a must, and I just so happen to be one of the best grilled cheese makers ever. snow day: 1 Michelle: 3

Hand-Standing: I honestly haven't done this in a while, so wall hand stands were a must, but apparently while clumsily dismounting, I made a little too much noise (stinking wood floors)... needless to say I did not win this one, so it goes to the snow day SD: 2 Me: 3

Occupying extra time: I mean I painted my nails after hanging off the bed for a solid 15 minutes, I think I am going to call this one a tie, so nobody gets any points for that one

I seemed to have won this one, but the fact that I felt the need to make this list is a little bit sad... I think tea will solve whatever embarrassment I am suffering at the moment.

Stay cool.

Peace.

Fuchsia Power

Apparently my nail polish has some kind of magical powers. If so, I would like to petition to the fuchsia powers to PLEASE stop the snow. It is very pretty, yes, but I can already feel it draining everything that is good out of me. It has been snowing for 5 hours now, and really, there is only so much you can do while trying to ignore that it is still snowing outside, and there are only so many ways to sprawl over my bed before hanging off the side is a viable option. That is what I resulted to 15 minutes ago. But my head started to feel a little too heavy, so I decided to redistribute the blood flow to the rest of my body. 

Or fuchsia god, if you cannot stop the snow, I would really appreciate a space heater, or better yet, a teleporter. Scratch everything else, that is what I want. 

I am starting to think the only power that fuchsia has is its ability to make my nails look pretty great. I guess at least there's that.

Happy Snow day everyone.

Peace

Up too late

I miss late night chats with Sarah, even if it keeps me up too late. She understands me completely, and still accepts me for who I am. I hate that she is hurting, she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. I love that she doesn't care when I get upset over trivial things, and in return, I listen to all of her crazy stories. 

It baffles me when I think of all the people too busy to just sit and listen, maybe because one of my favorite things to do is exchange thoughts. So many people have stories that they are dying to tell, and I feel like so many problems in the world could be solved if people just decided to listen when others are trying to talk. Maybe if people tried to understand, there would be a lot less confusion and hatred in the world. I mean, it's pretty much impossible to hate someone once you know their story. 

I once told someone that I wanted to go on a road trip and go places and meet people and just listen to their stories, I don't know if they understood. 

I still want that.

I don't know, I got pretty off topic there. I guess the point is that my sister is pretty great, and stories are important. It's too late, and I should be asleep. 

Peace

February 9th

February doesn't suck, I don't know why people are always hating it so much.

Also, I waited a couple of days to blog about it, but none of the words are perfect enough, so until then, I'm just going to say that I really did forget that I was unbearably sick.

It was nice...

Dying...

Yes, I am a bit melodramatic, we all knew that already. But in all seriousness, this sickness is what I imagine dying to feel like. I mean honestly, when your bed isn't even comfortable anymore, you have to know that something must be wrong. To make matters worse, nobody is home and I feel like I'm going insane laying here in my not comfortable bed. I should find something to do because sleep is not happening and everything else is just making me hate everything. Not even music is helping. 

The only thing that I can do is lay here and think what I would do if I were really dying. If I had 48 hours to live, what would I do. Ideally I would throw caution to the wind and do all the things I have always wanted to do. 

It seems a bit sad that dying is the only way that I would do all the things that I want. What's that all about? It also seems a bit selfish to me. Doing all the things that you want to do, and then dying, leaving everyone else to wonder what could have been. Or maybe not, leaving everyone to wonder what you really wanted instead of doing them seems pretty selfish as well. I guess I don't really know. 

All I really know is that if I died today or even tomorrow, I would regret not doing a lot of things. So I am determined to make it through whatever this is. Because I really do want to see the Grand Canyon. 

It has begun

It's not that I forget how much I love being in theater, I just think that I forget that things like dancing in parking lots with music booming from car speakers happens after practices. Cookies are exchanged out of car windows and honks are sounded about five seconds too long just to let everyone know that there is a whole lot of love coming from that car. I'm sure that today will not be the last time that that happens, but I am so happy inside that that is back in my life. I've missed it.

I mean, maybe there were also some outside influences that made everything so great, but I don't think so. I think that everything about today was good: yoga, no real classes, a visit to the park, and everything that goes with that; and ending my day with a parking lot dance party was pretty great.

Things are good.

Also, Cinnamon Sensation tea from the Tea Smith... yeah, things are really good.

Procrastination Nation

Lately I have been incredibly horrible about doing things that I should actually be doing. For example, today during lit class, I was supposed to be writing an essay with the boatloads of free time that I had, but I quickly got tired of that and decided to write random things that popped into my head. Feel free to stop reading here, but if you want to read the thoughts, they are as follows:

"Now I am writing things so that it seems like I am being productive during class, I should really be looking for quotes and things, but I think that I will be fine doing this. I will now comment on anything and everything that pops into my head. I am very warm, and the window is closed. I don’t want to think about how sweaty I am… ssoooo hottttt. I wonder if Mrs. Hiddleston can read what I’m typing. What if she could, and she is reading this ridiculousness. I am tired and I don’t particularly feel like going to this show choir thing in ten minutes. I think that it will be horrible. No, I’ll be fine, but it will still be horrible. I wish that this could be my paper because I think that I could ramble about my thoughts for three pages. It probably looks like I have impressive things to say. There is noise in the hall now. Hey, do you remember when Frankie came into the room to retrieve her Mary mug? That was funny. I just looked up and she was like, “Hey can you give me that mug?” and I think it took everything in me not to laugh, mostly becuase I didn't see her come in, so it was like she tele-ported in here. Now I want tea… and ice cream. What if you put ice cream in tea, would that be tasty or weird? Probably tasty. Sherbet is still better than ice cream though. Anyone who doesn’t believe that has their priorities messed up. I mean there are so many good possibilities with sherbet, and ice cream is always so heavy and blahh. This may also be that I like fruity things better, and ice cream just doesn’t do fruity right. I mean once in a while it’s nice, but mostly not. History class today was so funny. I was sitting in the front like, WHATT Madeline? The thing is that everyone gives Hoover such a hard time, and he was trying really hard. It’s just that the people were scared, and whenever someone is scared they need security, and Roosevelt was offering a security blanket.  I am so sleepy, I just want to go home and go to bed. I wish that when you took a nap, time would move a lot slower, because you could be certain that you didn’t miss anything too important, or too many important things."

Yeah... that happened...

Snow Day!

I literally feel like I am in the second grade again. I wasn't anticipating the day off, because I never like to get my hopes up for anything. The way I see it, if you keep your expectations low, you're never disappointed.

Today was no exception. It was the best 6:10 wake-up call I have ever received, literally. The phone rang at about 6:08 and the person on the other line informed my mom that my sister wouldn't have to come into work today because of the snow day. As my mom walked up the stairs, I pretended to be asleep, because I knew she wanted me to wake up excited that I got to sleep in. 

ANYWAYS after calming myself down from all the excitement, I got an extra three hours of sleep! (hopefully working on my sleep reserve that I am certain is running on empty). When I woke up, I made waffles... yes I made waffles (from scratch even!). After that I drank boat loads of tea and did lounging things while my mom played the piano. 

Needless to say today was great, and I didn't even care that it was below freezing with snow on the ground outside. I'm sure I'll feel differently tomorrow morning on the way to school, but I'll just remind myself that it was worth it.

Not So Secret Blog

It was once explained to me that "you just don't want to be disappointed" and I guess that's true. I changed my other blog name because I'm a jackass. I am so scared of being disappointed, that I let people in just enough, but then try my hardest to shut them out when I get scared. I don't know if this blog is actually going to become a thing, but maybe if i write feelings and things down, I can manage my life better. BAHAHA who am I kidding, yeah that was a joke, but hey, it's worth a try. Please don't expect this blog to be great in any capacity. It is probably going to be a big disappointment. But I have found out lately that I should really learn to trust someone, I guess I'm working on that. I don't think that I've really thought about that until now... gosh trusting is hard. So naturally I go to the internet (I know not the best logic), but it's a start I guess...
Well, here goes nothing.