So, I've had a lot of free time to think lately; and while that can be a bad thing for some people college or post-breakup, it has allowed me much more time to think about me. Not in the self absorbed, and honestly how I worry you might read it, kind of way; rather in the stripped down, nuts and bolts kind of way. My idle hours have lent me to many adventures through the jungle of my own mind; and oh, how I've wandered.
With the passing of yet another Halloween season, I have successfully avoided yet another round of haunted houses filled with zombies and creepy clowns. Once I finished breathing my sigh of relief, I stopped to wonder why I was so relieved and if there was any significance in the way that I, and maybe many others, handle fear. There are a plethora of responses to fear; facing it head on and tearing it to shreds, or carefully calculating your every move against it, acknowledging it as a worthy adversary, or my personal favorite... running.
Upon reflection, I quickly discovered a pattern in my life when facing "scary" situations... I run. Why can't I seem to push myself off of the edge of the cliff, knowing I'll be caught in the arms of the clear blue water? Was it in the way I was raised, is it in my DNA? I recently told a good friend of mine that "all of the best things are on the other side of fear".
...yet here I am.
As soon as I made this realization, I felt like such a hypocrite. Who am I to give out advice I won't even take myself. Has my fight or flight response mechanism led me to choose the best path for me, or is this a problem that I need to learn to overcome?
...I'm thinking it's the latter.
In order to learn to overcome, I guess I'm just going to have to practice. To start, I'll do one thing that scares me a month. This is the start of my journey, I can and I will. Every step of the way I will remind myself that I am my own sunshine. I will bring happiness to myself, and then and only then, I will bring happiness to others.
I do not want to spend my life running. I would certainly love to stop and enjoy the view.
Live your life.
Love your life.
~M
