11.14.2017

So, I've had a lot of free time to think lately; and while that can be a bad thing for some people college or post-breakup, it has allowed me much more time to think about me. Not in the self absorbed, and honestly how I worry you might read it, kind of way; rather in the stripped down, nuts and bolts kind of way. My idle hours have lent me to many adventures through the jungle of my own mind; and oh, how I've wandered. 

With the passing of yet another Halloween season, I have successfully avoided yet another round of haunted houses filled with zombies and creepy clowns. Once I finished breathing my sigh of relief, I stopped to wonder why I was so relieved and if there was any significance in the way that I, and maybe many others, handle fear.  There are a plethora of responses to fear; facing it head on and tearing it to shreds, or carefully calculating your every move against it, acknowledging it as a worthy adversary, or my personal favorite... running.

Upon reflection, I quickly discovered a pattern in my life when facing "scary" situations... I run. Why can't I seem to push myself off of the edge of the cliff, knowing I'll be caught in the arms of the clear blue water? Was it in the way I was raised, is it in my DNA? I recently told a good friend of mine that "all of the best things are on the other side of fear".

...yet here I am.

As soon as I made this realization, I felt like such a hypocrite. Who am I to give out advice I won't even take myself. Has my fight or flight response mechanism led me to choose the best path for me, or is this a problem that I need to learn to overcome? 

...I'm thinking it's the latter.

In order to learn to overcome, I guess I'm just going to have to practice. To start, I'll do one thing that scares me a month. This is the start of my journey, I can and I will. Every step of the way I will remind myself that I am my own sunshine. I will bring happiness to myself, and then and only then, I will bring happiness to others.

I do not want to spend my life running. I would certainly love to stop and enjoy the view.

Live your life. 
Love your life.

~M

7/7/17

I have deemed this chapter of my life the chapter of self discovery. I know I know, how very twenty-something of me; I would be rolling my eyes if I were you too. But truthfully, I can feel myself start to 'click' inside my own mind. It's the same feeling you get when you finally understand that complicated math problem, or nail that high A sharp in the sing you've been working at for months. It's accomplishment. I am starting to understand what makes me "me"; how I function and why I act the way I do, and that's pretty exciting.

The first step in self improvement is knowing yourself. You can never truly pinpoint areas for improvement in yourself unless you know yourself well enough. And you certainly would not listen to your wisdom, and become a better person, if you did not know yourself well enough to trust that the words you felt were true. At least I know I wouldn't. 

It's all so much fun! I feel like I'm gaining a friend in myself along the way.

Anyways, that's all for now!

Be good to yourself. 

Be good to one another. 

~M

Four Years Later: An Update

Hi, it's me.... and as my post back-log informs me, it's been almost four years since I've written anything on here. I don't even know if anyone knows this still exists; I barely even did, so it wouldn't surprise me.

Four years though. FOUR YEARS. So much can, and has, changed in that time! It's amazing to look back and remember what you have lived through and overcome. The memories you have made with close friends, life events you have accomplished, and the heartbreaks you muddled through. It is a wonderful reminder that I am strong, and that no matter what happens, I will be okay.

Lately I have been feeling lonely. The kind of loneliness you can only feel after a big love has passed through your life. My heart can't help but drop a little bit when I  remember how safe the smell of his cologne made me feel, or the many hours we  spent laughing together, or  the amazing adventures we went on. He was a part of some of the best years of my life, but now he's gone, and it still hurts. I don't have my sidekick to lean on after a hard day, no one to experience life with. I miss him like he was a piece of me. He was someone who made me better, challenged me, and complimented me. I did a dumb thing and  told him I missed him after he said he "thinks he might never settle down". I don't know what I was expecting, but he never said it back. I wondered if it meant something that he didn't say it too. Worried that maybe the three years we shared weren't quite as great as I remembered. Because if they were, wouldn't he miss me too? But then I told myself to snap out of it. If he doesn't miss me, then he doesn't. And there certainly isn't anything I can do about that.

I'm working on myself now; and although it's going slow as hell, I'm still doing it. One metaphorical foot in front of the other - every step at my own pace. I have come far in the last four years. I am happy with the choices I made and the people I have met and become friends with. Each of them have been so incredibly formative, and I'm so happy to have known all of them. If any of you are reading this, I'm just going to say thank you. Thank you for helping me become the person I am today. I probably don't tell you enough, but thank you. You are all blessings in my life.

I'm going to try and keep this updated. We'll see how well this works. I would like to be able to look back in four (or forty) years and have to fill in less of the pieces by memory alone. If they are as amazing as the past four have been, I'm sure I'll have a lot I'll want to remember.

Stay lovely.
~M

Rough and Tumble Version

If you know me at all, you may know that I am not really one to do what other people tell me to do. I guess I'm just too stubborn, or maybe I just always think that if it is meant to happen, that I will do it without being pressed. But alas, when pressed to write a blog post about a friend tonight, I really never thought of saying no.

There are plenty of cheesy quotes about friends and how they will always be with you, or that they are the siblings you could never have, and as much as my opinions waver about them, at the end of the day, if you are lucky enough to have a true friend (or two) you completely agree with every one of those quotes... no matter how cheesy they may be.

Which brings me to one of my incredibly amazing friends. All of the quotes and idioms ever made about best friends or close friends, or even about sisters applies to this girl. She is the little sister I never had, and always wanted (Although most of the time she is far wiser than I... maybe more like a twin sister... we both have our moments). The thing about Abigail is that everyone who meets her can't help but be drawn in my her warm and welcoming personality. She is always quick to help in any circumstance, and is often noted for her "motherly" affection. Honestly, if she wasn't my age, I would really hope she would be a family friend or something, because she would make one kick ass aunt. I mean, don't get me wrong, having her as a friend is much better.
I'm sure she wouldn't have half as many wonderful things to say about me (especially with what I have put her through in the past month or two), but even after all of that, she is still the one that I text when something weird or funny happens to me, whenever I have boy drama, a meltdown, a life realization, an existential crisis, or anything along those lines, she is the one I talk to.
You know those people who you say "I would take a bullet for you"  to, but at the same time, you are thinking "like in the foot, or maybe a dart... out of a Nerf gun" WELL Abigail is one of those people that I would actually take a real life metal bullet, flying however fast bullets fly in an important part of my body. I love her just that much.
She is one person who encourages me to be better, and tells me flat out when I am being less than what I can be. She is everything that a person should try to be. Caring, beautiful, hilarious, with a heart that somehow always has room for more.
So naturally, when she asked me to write a little something about her, I threw away my usual stubbornness and agreed almost instantaneously (because everyone deserves to know how incredible she is... and so does she). So, here you go Abigail. I haven't revised it or anything. It's the rough and tumble version, just how you wanted it. I could go on for longer about how amazing Abigail is, but this is turning into quite the novel.

Peace.

Clear your mind

On clear nights I can hear the train roll into town. I can not only hear the whistle blow, but the wheels on the track making a solid rhythm.

On nights like this, the cool crisp air blows into my room and helps me clear my mind-something I have been needing to do for quite some time. It coaxes me to a quiet place inside myself where I can just "be". 

I think this is why I stay up so late sometimes. I wait for the soft night breeze to take me somewhere that is hard to find during the confusion of each day. Somewhere that I can look at myself for who I truly am, and spend a little time there. No expectations. 

I wish that everyone can find something that takes them to this place. So, I guess my advice (if you want it) is to go find somewhere where you can just be, and try to go there often. It is something I know you won't regret. 

Peace. 

Breakdown

If you were to walk into my room right now, to be honest, you may be a little bit worried. With my curtains drawn, the only light is coming from my new aromatherapy candle, its title telling me to "be amazing" and the glow from my phone, and yes, I am blogging from my phone. What you would see is not a pretty sight. A tear stained face buried into an equally tear stained pillow.

If you came across this sight, you may be taken aback. Maybe you would slowly back out of my room and pretend that you never saw. But if you are more of the hands on healing type, you may slowly step into the room and sweetly ask what was troubling me. 

After a few moments I would tell you that, as you very well know, I hate uncertainty, and lately all I have been feeling in almost every aspect of my life is uncertainty. I am not sure who I am anymore, and more importantly my future seems like it is headed in all the wrong directions. The most frustrating part though is that I am the ink one who can tell myself how to write my story. I guess I have gotten so used to most of my life choices being made for me, and now that I am on my own, I can't trust myself.

College. Something that should bring excitement and hope for the future has lately just been bringing me more trouble and worrying than I can handle. Engineering is what I picked (environmental to be exact) and, after registering for classes, it is about the last thing that I want to be doing. The concept of having to take calculus classes for four years makes me want to stay curled up in my bed smelling my aromatherapy candle forever. (Hopefully someone would be kind enough to join me) but I do confess that would probably not pay off in the long run. 

So here is my dilemma. If I can't be cuddling in my bed for the rest if my life, what will I do? Honestly I don't know. My interests are so spread from music, art, religion, to science that I don't even know where to start, so I am feeling more lost than ever, and I hate it more than anything. 

So, because I have no idea what to do with my life, plus the fact that I have already registered for classes, I will be starting every morning this fall with my calculus class. Joy. At least it is only one semester...

Thanks for listening and stuff.

                           Peace. 

Overnight Blogging

Swing sets and slides mixed with jumping on beds and laughing with watermelon stained faces make for kids who come into the kitchen before bedtime and tell me "Chelle, it's bedtime now." Not that I'm complaining in the least, but I do not know how parents do it 24/7. Seriously, I finally understand those horrible children leashes. Three children are slightly terrifying to keep track of, quite tiring, and I did not have a 9 o'clock bedtime.

I guess I can't possibly be as tired as I suspected though, because it's 5 o'clock in the morning and sleep still doesn't seem like a possibility. The birds seemed to get plenty of sleep, and now that they are awake, at least I have some company. But the sky is starting to get lighter, and I just stepped out onto the roof. Pretty soon I will be a pro at removing the window, and no noise will be required.

This is what summer is supposed to feel like. Free and simple. If only the past two mornings could be combined, this would be the perfect morning. Add this to the list of reasons I love summer.

Peace.